I never force gratitude

It’s the last week of Mental Health Awareness Month—a time when you're reminded to reflect on and explore what helps you stay well in an often overwhelming world.

One of the most powerful—and most misunderstood—tools I return to in both my personal life and my clinical practice is gratitude.

Before you roll your eyes or think of moving on, let me be clear:
Gratitude does not gloss over your pain.
It’s not “look on the bright side” or “everything happens for a reason.”
That kind of thinking—what’s often called toxic positivity—asks you to suppress our real emotions and pretend you’re okay. When you’re often not.

That is not what I teach. And it’s not what saved me.

As well, I want to be clear, that you never have to force gratitude. Practice it only if you want to, not because you ‘should.’ Forcing this when you aren’t ready is toxic. And harmful. So if life feels too hard for this, just let today’s article be a seed for when you feel ready. ❤️

Gratitude is not about denying pain.
It’s about softening your resistance to it.
It’s about reclaiming power in the moment you’re in—not because it’s easy or pleasant, but because it’s yours.

In my TEDx talk, I share the story of how I came to this understanding—not through ease, but through heartbreak. Gratitude didn’t make my pain disappear. But it gave me a way to stay present with it. It gave me a path back to my life, my body, and my strength.

You might wonder why it feels so hard to move through pain. I talked about a simple but powerful way to understand it: suffering is not just about pain itself, but about how much you resist that pain.

Suffering = Pain × Resistance

Pain is a part of life—physical, emotional, or mental. Sometimes, it’s unavoidable. But resistance is how much you fight, avoid, or deny that pain. The more you resist, the more your suffering increases.

When you practice gratitude, you’re not pretending the pain isn’t there. Instead, you’re softening that resistance—acknowledging the pain without adding the extra weight of struggle or denial. This subtle shift opens up space for healing and helps you reclaim your power.

When you soften your resistance, you change your experience of pain. You don’t erase it, but you stop multiplying it. This allows you to be present with whatever you’re feeling, without being overwhelmed by it.

In my clinical practice, I see this every day. Patients dealing with chronic illness, grief, or anxiety often get stuck in fighting their pain or emotions. They try to push it away, numb it, or fix it immediately. But the more they resist, the heavier their suffering becomes.

And the science agrees that it’s more than just a feel-good practice.

🧠 Mental Health Benefits

Studies have shown that practicing gratitude can significantly reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression. A meta-analysis of 64 randomized clinical trials found that gratitude interventions led to improved mental health and fewer symptoms of anxiety and depression .

❤️ Physical Health Benefits

The benefits of gratitude extend beyond the mind. Regular gratitude practices have been linked to improved heart health, including lower blood pressure and better sleep quality . Gratitude also enhances immune function and reduces stress levels, contributing to overall physical well-being.

🧬 Neurological Insights

Neuroscientific research reveals that gratitude activates brain regions associated with emotions and reward. Engaging in gratitude practices can increase the release of neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin, which play key roles in mood regulation .

Gratitude offers a different approach. By saying “thank you” — even to difficult moments — you begin to shift your relationship with pain. You acknowledge it, honor it, and gently say, “I see you, and I am still here.” This doesn’t mean giving up or settling for less. It means reclaiming your strength by embracing your whole experience — the joy and the struggle.

So how do you start practicing gratitude in a way that feels authentic and grounded, especially when things are hard?

🙏🏽 Begin with something small and specific. Each day, find one thing to be grateful for that’s different from the day before. It might be as simple as the warmth of the sun on your skin, a kind word from a stranger, or even a moment of calm amid chaos.

🙏🏽 If gratitude feels impossible right now (which it often does), try this: say “thank you” to just this moment. Not your whole life, not the big picture—just this breath, this feeling, this breath. It’s okay if it feels awkward or forced at first. Like any muscle, gratitude gets stronger with practice.

I know this isn’t just theory. Not only because I have practiced it with patients for 25 years but because I am human like you. When my son was diagnosed with a life-altering illness, I felt shattered. At first, I couldn’t imagine feeling grateful. But slowly, with daily intention, gratitude cracked open a space where I could hold my pain without being consumed by it.

Remember, gratitude isn’t about ignoring your pain or forcing positivity. It’s about meeting yourself exactly where you are and gently reclaiming your power one moment at a time. As you move forward, may you find that even in the hardest moments, a simple “thank you” can be a lifeline back to yourself.

If you’re interested in diving even deeper, I invite you to listen to my TEDx talk or dive into the gratitude chapter of my book, Joy Is My Justice. They both welcome you into a gratitude that is not contrived or toxic, but rather one that can liberate you from suffering.

Thank you for being here, for showing up, and for taking this step toward your well-being.

I invite you to try one small gratitude practice: each day, find one new thing to say thank you for—even if it’s just this moment. Gratitude isn’t a magic pill, but it can open a door back to your life, your strength, and your resilience. If it feels hard, know you’re not alone—and it’s okay to start small. See where this simple practice can lead you and please let us know in the comments. As always, all the challenges with the practice are also welcome! We grow and heal as a community by exploring both our obstacles and triumphs.

And if you’re a paid subscriber, I hope to see you in tomorrow’s virtual session where we will dive deeper into all your questions from Mental Health Awareness month! Zoom link coming right now in a separate email!