“I want to hold him to the same standard and not be too soft on him.”
This was said by a teacher after explaining why my disabled son was excluded from participation in an assembly.
The details of this exclusion aren’t so important for this writing.
➡ But because I know you’ll ask and be as disheartened by this as I was, my son did meet the standard (of trying to sign up, although it fell short of this teacher’s expectations apparently) and yet that is not even the biggest point of my writing today.
What is important is understanding “softness.”
We look at being “soft” in this world as being too “easy” or too “lax” on someone or even ourselves.
We want to hold others and ourselves accountable for our actions and efforts.
Say you are trying to eat better, exercise more or like my son, learn how to advocate for yourself and navigate the world.
We are afraid if we “go soft,” somehow we won’t reach our goals.
Not only is this wrong, it’s disproven by neuroscience as well.
Let me start with a tenet that isn’t in any of the studies…
This world is a hard one. It is rigid and fixed and does not bend to anyone in the margins.
Not only is a moment of softness not a moment of laxity, it very well maybe the equity and reciprocity we exactly need.
I would ask this teacher (and I did, believe me) and you to re-examine how you look at accountability and being “soft” on others or yourself. Never does the definition of staying accountable include shame or exclusion, never in any dictionary.
What you want is to cultivate belonging, every step of the way.
Your brain wants to feel like you belong. Like you matter. Are seen and heard.
In fact, social science now shows that a good part of burnout we feel at work is due to a lack of feeling this, that we don’t belong or aren’t seen in our workplaces.
Every moment of harshness, criticism (including in your own mind to yourself), or degradation is seen as a threat. It puts you on high alert in the primal recesses of your brain and turns down your centers for clarity, measure and motivation.
Think about the last time someone degraded you or you told yourself you were a loser. The first thing you want is…Comfort. And that means we reach for the things that comfort us the most. Which are usually the same ones we are trying to change—food, TV, phones, substances, etc. And worse yet, the impulse for change is gone. You just want to survive.
No, this world does not need more harshness, it needs softer edges to buffer the fixed lines we walk through.
And almost always, the first question I get is then, “But how will we not fall into just giving everyone a pass on not trying?”
The neuroscience 🧠 over and over shows that the more compassion you can extend, the more people are willing to change. The more they are motivated to do better. And that goes for ourselves. The more self-compassion we extend, the more we feel human.
So even though I am sparing you the details, imagine the moment when my son thought he was being called for this assembly and instead, sat on the sidelines, watching it go on, without him being included. It was demoralizing and that is when we sulk into shame and lose our humanity. So whatever perceived effort this teacher preferred he put in, is now not something he can even think of improving on. Not only is the outcome the exact opposite of this attempt at “accountability” but we have also shamed someone in the process.
This happens when you try to change a habit and then slip backwards. You feel inept and inadequate. You want to do better so you are harsh with yourself so that you will remember to do better the next day. But it doesn’t work. The science shows every time you do that, you are less likely to make the change because you have put your fear centers on high alert.
Let’s make this practical. How do we stay accountable without going into shame?
Imagine you are trying to eat better but find yourself stopping for a donut on the way home?
Your mind wants to rage and you are disappointed.
Instead of allowing the inner critic to explode, there are other things we can say to ourselves.
💭 “I just slipped. This is just a moment, a moment to take note of”
…And then you can recognize why you slipped up, were you experiencing emotions that were difficult, was it a hard day, or were you just having a craving that is difficult for any human to break?
💭 “I am only human and this is moment to recognize that slipping up is part of change. I can try for better next time and recognize that this moment is not the sum of my capacity for changing this habit.”
or…
💭 “I am only human and this moment does not define my capacity to change. Change is a spiral and slipping back allows me to know how to go forward again…”
And then you take measured clarity to plot the next step. Maybe you plan a different route home tomorrow or you decide on hard days at work, you will schedule a different kind of treat after work, like time with a good friend or a visit to a museum you love, etc.
The exact words aren’t as important as the understanding that…
Softness can be an action to buffer the hardness of the world.
It can be a moment of equity, not laxity.
I would argue that we all need more moments of softness for ourselves and others. To get us out of our conditioned thinking of rigid standards. The hard edges of this world are not always here to support us, sometimes they break us down. Perhaps the world would soften a bit if we all walked in it more softly.
When was the last time you employed softness and saw that it worked for you? Or maybe you are realizing that you could soften to yourself or another in an area of your life? Let’s learn from each other in the community in the comments, see you there!
I always feel your words so deeply. I love what you are conveying in this post. This quote especially resonated with me:
"No, this world does not need more harshness, it needs softer edges to buffer the fixed lines we walk through".
This is so true, and I feel like more people really need to hear it!
YES we absolutely need more compassion and less harshness on this already way too often brutal world.
My heart hurt when I read about what happened to your son with his 'teacher', and although I'm glad he has such a fierce advocate like you by his side, I wish he wouldn't need it as often as I'm sure he does in this world we live in.
As someone who lives on the margins in some aspects, due to mental illnesses, (I'm unable to work at the moment for exemple), I had to go through the process of un-learning so many things that are actually ingrained in our brains without us realizing it. For exemple, that our worth doesn't come from our work or our productivity. That vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness. And that people who are considered "less than" by society, are often the ones who have the most to teach, if only we'd let them.
I worked as a special educator before I couldn't anymore, and let me tell you that the things I learned from the kids I worked with, I will always treasure and remember!
Oh dear Tanmeet. When I read your words this morning I could feel my heart opening up. And, I am grateful as I just was trying to find the words for a dear friend who was shaming himself for overeating. I have been able to share your words with him and I know it will make a difference. Your wisdom and courage is just so powerful. This morning I had written down a prayer that I stop being so hard on myself. And just moments later, in came your posting. Oh my. Oh my. Oh my. And so it is. So grateful and so full of love for you and your son. What teachers you both are.