Truth for sure. I couldn't agree more about how hard it is to bear but I will say there are glimmers in the in-between that feel like a bliss state to me. That's only in the last decade or so. But when I glimpse that spot, it feels like the most aware part of my humanity emerging.
Oh, Tanmeet! My mother's heart is right there with you. I won't pretend that it is exactly the same grief, as my son does not have a life shortening degenerative muscular disease. He does have his own challenges: he's on the autism spectrum, he has worsening general and separation anxiety, and his father died almost 3 years ago.
Mine is 12, and has not had a crush yet, but he's curious about what it is, and what it feels like. I would love for him to go to sleep away camp and to gain pride in becoming more independent, but he doesn't want to go. When I think of a crush breaking his heart I feel a crack spreading in my own. My instinct is to protect him from pain, but that's more about protecting myself from his pain.
In truth, grief brought many gifts along with the sorrow. It pushed me to live more creatively and to write. It led me to connect with a community of writers and grievers who have enriched my life in ways I never imagined. I wouldn't want to deprive my son of a chance to grow and gain confidence in his ability to navigate through hard things.
Finding joy is also a gift. We have so little control over what happens to our children, but we can choose what we tell them. We can chose to build them up or tear them down. We can choose our own actions, so I start there. Life can be so cruel, I will fight against my instinct to protect my son from potential heartbreak if it will let him keep his joy. Our turn will come when they need comfort. XO ❤️🥰
Amy, I so appreciate this share. The thing is none of our grief is exactly the same and yet, it is all the same. It is our human heart breaking and gluing back over and over. It is our resistance to feel so much pain that it braces our body against the world and yet, Joy lives in that same clenching. Your story is so resonant for me even though I can't live it the same way. I never pretend that all happens for 'a good reason' but I do deserve to find the goodness in myself and the world despite it all. I have learned there are countless ways to suffer but never did I understand before this heart shattering grief that there are ways my hearts soars in blissful joy that I never knew possible, because I resisted any slight pain. And when there was pain that is so big, there is no where to go, I had to journey within. And there lies my most powerful human self. Feeling your journey with your husband, with your son, with your loving heart. May your son always know his joy and may we know our capacity to breathe through life with them instead of bandaging every ounce of pain. Sending big love to you my friend. Grateful for your work. ❤️
And I am grateful for your work. You breathe life into your writing, and you make me feel something deeper, bigger than just words arranged on a screen/page. I’m here for all your wisdom, I want it all 🥰❤️
Tanmeet, you transcribed what you and your son got to experience so powerfully, that I found my own heart bursting and breaking reading this post. I imagined your son in my head, his excitement over this crush, and how wonderful but also heartbreaking it must be for you to witness.
Sometimes I think it would be much easier not to feel as much, because feeling makes us so vulnerable to pain. But at the same time, I'm reminded of your message, what you are showing and teaching us: that Joy can co-exist WITH the heartbreak and the pain.
"Joy and Grief, hand in hand"...
The one thing I know is that Zubin is extremely lucky to have such an incredible mom and family by his side, even if he cries when he gets home from camp! 😂😭❤️
Sarah, I am so touched that it landed in such a visceral way for you. That's every writer's dream. And yes, you felt it so powerfully, my heartbreak and joy all wrapped together in a tense ball. My daughter says the exact same thing as you did, that it is easier not to feel it all. And I get it. She is right in many ways. And yet, I hope she comes to see the feeling part as the critical piece of being human, that if we don't crack in these ways, we never see or feel our whole selves. That's her path of course to find. Joy and grief, hand in hand, indeed...And btw you aren't wrong, sometimes my husband and I look at each other while he is sobbing at camp pickup and wonder why he is crying 'that' much 😂
The flow and grace part is so important versus the need to “fix”.
One of my good friends shared that her autistic teenage son, truly for the first time, attended a camp that really spoke to him - where he felt seen & heard along with having all the fun. He said he had found his people and she cried joyful tears. Aging out of these rare opportunities has to be so hard while the experience is so deeply felt.
YES YES YES the fixing is a reaction of our hearts breaking and wanting a solution. But not every quick solution is what our hearts need. I find this reactivity to fix my greatest spiritual journey as a parent and some days I get it easily and others I fumble through it like I've never practiced at all! Your friend's experience gives my heart the same feeling I have with my son. These camps are truly places of the most powerful human work. To see and be seen. ❤️
Crying as I read this. You write so beautifully about some of the biggest feelings of motherhood, of life.
"What I do know is that if he can oscillate between his suffering and Joy, that may be the most typical thing a human can do. It may be the most normal part of life."
Grief has deepened ALL the feelings and experiences in my life, not just sadness but joy too. It is a different kind of joy. A knowing joy. Thank you for your writing.
“A knowing kind of joy” ❤️ so beautiful. There’s no way around it. We all want an easier life with less pain. And I don’t think the pain gets easier but I think my body is able to hold it with more ease. Thank you Tina for this.
Tanmeet, another beautiful description of grief, joy, and the resilience of the human spirit. Thank you for sharing these experiences and the raw emotions which jump off the page. While no one experience is the same, so many can relate to one aspect of what you share. Grateful for you and your willingness to bring us along.❤️
Tracy that means so much to me. Not only your kind words but that you took the time to share and remind us all that grief looks different but is universal. ❤️
Oh my goodness, Dr. Sethi. Tears are flowing! Thanks so much for this heart-wrenching-heart-opening piece. I'm so happy he got to feel that intense joy of a CRUSH! :) Joy and sorrow in one bag. Such is life!
It is so hard to sit in the middle, especially when it comes to our children and we just want to make it all okay. I feel that for so long our culture was fed the toxic baloney that it had to be all one way or the other with no room for the grace that lies in the middle. We've seen where this has got us! Talking about life in the middle of a full heart and one that's shattering into pieces, and how it feels when they are happening at the same time, is important work. It teaches us there is a different path. Thank you for sharing this intimate story Tanmeet, I love the whole thing. I especially love the very last line, "May we all feel more human together."
Oh I love that line too 😉 I’m with you Donna. This flowing in the middle feels like a more compassionate place even if it’s sometimes challenging. It feels like I’m accepting myself more fully when I can see that my heart breaks and bursts, all at the same moment.
How lovely, thank you for sharing this story. We so deeply love our children, despite their handicaps, and want nothing more than a normal life for them. You are a strong mama, indeed.
Oh thank you Susan. I think that was the most resonant thing for me in this piece. That I realized my son’s feeling challenge and joy all together is the way he can feel like a ‘regular’ human. All of us have the capacity to be human, together.
This made me cry in the middle of a coffee shop. You know that I also live in that constant ebb and flow of anticipatory grief and constantly remind myself to focus on the now... I love what you said here about flowing in and out with more grace. I feel it deeply. Keep writing, keep sharing your stories and your heart, Tanmeet.
Flowing in and out of grief with more grace. Thank you for this story and message, Tanmeet.
Glad it landed in your heart Kara, so nice to 'see' you my friend!
Thank you for sharing.
Sometimes I see myself wanting to feel totally one way or another, because the bittersweet-ness of being human is hard to bear. Sending lots of love.
Truth for sure. I couldn't agree more about how hard it is to bear but I will say there are glimmers in the in-between that feel like a bliss state to me. That's only in the last decade or so. But when I glimpse that spot, it feels like the most aware part of my humanity emerging.
Oh, Tanmeet! My mother's heart is right there with you. I won't pretend that it is exactly the same grief, as my son does not have a life shortening degenerative muscular disease. He does have his own challenges: he's on the autism spectrum, he has worsening general and separation anxiety, and his father died almost 3 years ago.
Mine is 12, and has not had a crush yet, but he's curious about what it is, and what it feels like. I would love for him to go to sleep away camp and to gain pride in becoming more independent, but he doesn't want to go. When I think of a crush breaking his heart I feel a crack spreading in my own. My instinct is to protect him from pain, but that's more about protecting myself from his pain.
In truth, grief brought many gifts along with the sorrow. It pushed me to live more creatively and to write. It led me to connect with a community of writers and grievers who have enriched my life in ways I never imagined. I wouldn't want to deprive my son of a chance to grow and gain confidence in his ability to navigate through hard things.
Finding joy is also a gift. We have so little control over what happens to our children, but we can choose what we tell them. We can chose to build them up or tear them down. We can choose our own actions, so I start there. Life can be so cruel, I will fight against my instinct to protect my son from potential heartbreak if it will let him keep his joy. Our turn will come when they need comfort. XO ❤️🥰
Amy, I so appreciate this share. The thing is none of our grief is exactly the same and yet, it is all the same. It is our human heart breaking and gluing back over and over. It is our resistance to feel so much pain that it braces our body against the world and yet, Joy lives in that same clenching. Your story is so resonant for me even though I can't live it the same way. I never pretend that all happens for 'a good reason' but I do deserve to find the goodness in myself and the world despite it all. I have learned there are countless ways to suffer but never did I understand before this heart shattering grief that there are ways my hearts soars in blissful joy that I never knew possible, because I resisted any slight pain. And when there was pain that is so big, there is no where to go, I had to journey within. And there lies my most powerful human self. Feeling your journey with your husband, with your son, with your loving heart. May your son always know his joy and may we know our capacity to breathe through life with them instead of bandaging every ounce of pain. Sending big love to you my friend. Grateful for your work. ❤️
And I am grateful for your work. You breathe life into your writing, and you make me feel something deeper, bigger than just words arranged on a screen/page. I’m here for all your wisdom, I want it all 🥰❤️
That means the world to me. In your corner as well! ❤️
Beautifully said, Amy
Tanmeet, you transcribed what you and your son got to experience so powerfully, that I found my own heart bursting and breaking reading this post. I imagined your son in my head, his excitement over this crush, and how wonderful but also heartbreaking it must be for you to witness.
Sometimes I think it would be much easier not to feel as much, because feeling makes us so vulnerable to pain. But at the same time, I'm reminded of your message, what you are showing and teaching us: that Joy can co-exist WITH the heartbreak and the pain.
"Joy and Grief, hand in hand"...
The one thing I know is that Zubin is extremely lucky to have such an incredible mom and family by his side, even if he cries when he gets home from camp! 😂😭❤️
Much love to you both ❤️❤️
Sarah, I am so touched that it landed in such a visceral way for you. That's every writer's dream. And yes, you felt it so powerfully, my heartbreak and joy all wrapped together in a tense ball. My daughter says the exact same thing as you did, that it is easier not to feel it all. And I get it. She is right in many ways. And yet, I hope she comes to see the feeling part as the critical piece of being human, that if we don't crack in these ways, we never see or feel our whole selves. That's her path of course to find. Joy and grief, hand in hand, indeed...And btw you aren't wrong, sometimes my husband and I look at each other while he is sobbing at camp pickup and wonder why he is crying 'that' much 😂
The flow and grace part is so important versus the need to “fix”.
One of my good friends shared that her autistic teenage son, truly for the first time, attended a camp that really spoke to him - where he felt seen & heard along with having all the fun. He said he had found his people and she cried joyful tears. Aging out of these rare opportunities has to be so hard while the experience is so deeply felt.
Thank you for sharing.
YES YES YES the fixing is a reaction of our hearts breaking and wanting a solution. But not every quick solution is what our hearts need. I find this reactivity to fix my greatest spiritual journey as a parent and some days I get it easily and others I fumble through it like I've never practiced at all! Your friend's experience gives my heart the same feeling I have with my son. These camps are truly places of the most powerful human work. To see and be seen. ❤️
Crying as I read this. You write so beautifully about some of the biggest feelings of motherhood, of life.
"What I do know is that if he can oscillate between his suffering and Joy, that may be the most typical thing a human can do. It may be the most normal part of life."
Grief has deepened ALL the feelings and experiences in my life, not just sadness but joy too. It is a different kind of joy. A knowing joy. Thank you for your writing.
“A knowing kind of joy” ❤️ so beautiful. There’s no way around it. We all want an easier life with less pain. And I don’t think the pain gets easier but I think my body is able to hold it with more ease. Thank you Tina for this.
Tanmeet, another beautiful description of grief, joy, and the resilience of the human spirit. Thank you for sharing these experiences and the raw emotions which jump off the page. While no one experience is the same, so many can relate to one aspect of what you share. Grateful for you and your willingness to bring us along.❤️
Tracy that means so much to me. Not only your kind words but that you took the time to share and remind us all that grief looks different but is universal. ❤️
Oh my goodness, Dr. Sethi. Tears are flowing! Thanks so much for this heart-wrenching-heart-opening piece. I'm so happy he got to feel that intense joy of a CRUSH! :) Joy and sorrow in one bag. Such is life!
Oh Sandra I’m so glad it landed in a deep crevice that released tears of your heart. Yes it’s all of it all together. ❤️
It is so hard to sit in the middle, especially when it comes to our children and we just want to make it all okay. I feel that for so long our culture was fed the toxic baloney that it had to be all one way or the other with no room for the grace that lies in the middle. We've seen where this has got us! Talking about life in the middle of a full heart and one that's shattering into pieces, and how it feels when they are happening at the same time, is important work. It teaches us there is a different path. Thank you for sharing this intimate story Tanmeet, I love the whole thing. I especially love the very last line, "May we all feel more human together."
Oh I love that line too 😉 I’m with you Donna. This flowing in the middle feels like a more compassionate place even if it’s sometimes challenging. It feels like I’m accepting myself more fully when I can see that my heart breaks and bursts, all at the same moment.
How lovely, thank you for sharing this story. We so deeply love our children, despite their handicaps, and want nothing more than a normal life for them. You are a strong mama, indeed.
Oh thank you Susan. I think that was the most resonant thing for me in this piece. That I realized my son’s feeling challenge and joy all together is the way he can feel like a ‘regular’ human. All of us have the capacity to be human, together.
Beautiful.
Grateful it resonated Maia ❤️
Mother hearts unite, I can see here in the comments, the collective heart swell and heartbreak, right alongside you Tanmeet.
This touched me deeply, as your words always do 🙏
🙏🏽 Sarina. For all of your kind thoughts here. I too feel the collective heart and it fills mine, more than I can explain. ❤️
This made me cry in the middle of a coffee shop. You know that I also live in that constant ebb and flow of anticipatory grief and constantly remind myself to focus on the now... I love what you said here about flowing in and out with more grace. I feel it deeply. Keep writing, keep sharing your stories and your heart, Tanmeet.
Evelyn that means so much to me coming from someone whose writing I respect so much. ❤️
This is so deeply touching and deeply human. May we all learn how to flow in and out of grief with grace and ease 🙏❤
Thank you Vicki for reading and sharing your resonance. 🙏🏽