Math WAS my least favorite subject

Until I realized my professors left out the most important part of the lesson!

Photo by Dan Cristian Pădureț on Unsplash

I still remember looking up from my trigonometry textbook (yep, back in the day, we still used textbooks!) in high school thinking, “Really, when does anyone ever use this?”

Of course, I wouldn’t dare voice that out loud to my rocket scientist father who lived and died by the certainty and precision of high level mathematics in his work.

But even then, I knew I was cut out for a different kind of work, one where I didn’t use fancy calculators or rulers but still knew that there was an order to how life worked.

And who knew that one day, I would be applying simple math to understand high level concepts? Aah, that’s it, I’ve realized. It’s not that you need high level math…you just need high level understanding of the math…

So, if you’re like me and shut down at the mention of math, bear with me because today’s equation is simple (although not easy) and could change your day (or more)

It’s not unlike the following equation I talk about in my TEDx talk or my book, Joy Is My Justice.

S = P X R

Suffering = Pain X Resistance

In essence, the more you resist something, the more you will suffer. If you accept something is happening, you can then either problem solve if it is changeable or navigate grief with more ease if it isn’t solvable. We can unpack that more a different time or just watch my TEDx talk for a quick primer. It may just change your life.

Today’s equation, (or math healing of the day, if you will!) is similar and just as life-changing.

S = E - C

Suffering = Expectations - Circumstances

The more you expect something to be a certain way AND the more that expectation differs from reality, the more you will suffer.

Like I said, simple but not easy.

Let’s unpack this today.

We can start with a light example.

If you Expect your child to pick up their dishes and the reality (the Circumstance) is that they do not, you may suffer.

But if you don’t expect an outcome and see the dishes, it is not a moment of suffering. It is a mere annoyance at the most.

And we can get heavier.

I’ll jump in with this one and be the guinea pig. Most of you know that my son has an incurable, fatal condition.

If I Expect that my son should be healthy when the reality is very different, my suffering exponentially expands. But if I understand there will be very rocky times, the suffering is very different.

For example, last night he was having trouble tolerating his Bi pap machine he has to wear at night for his lungs and heart. He doesn’t love this contraption and can you blame him? Sometimes when I kiss him good night and see him laying there with this on and in his hospital bed, I can get quite sentimental about how unfair this all is.

For the last two nights, he has been saying the treatment is making him dizzy and he wants it off. Now, you have to understand that my son is also not the best communicator due to his cognitive delay so getting that story from him took a while and it was hard to know if he was trying to just get out of wearing it or if he was really feeling a new discomfort.

Those details aren’t as important as the fact that as he was attempting to explain why he doesn’t want the mask on his face for another night in a row, he began to tear up and say things to the effect of how he wished he didn’t have to wear this and how unfair it is.

None of this is untrue.
None of this is easy.
And all of it has the potential to make me so sad.

But last night was a good night for me. (I'm being honest that not all are.)

I was able to settle into the conversation as just a conversation instead of imposing all of my expectations of what I wished were happening instead.
💔 That I wish he didn’t have to wear it.
💔 That I wish he didn’t have to have this disease.
💔 That I wish he were just like every other boy his age.

Those are reasonable expectations but expectations all the same.

Last night, I was able to just listen to him and try to problem solve and then also give him grace that something was not working and we needed to let the treatment go.

I was with the circumstance instead of with my expectations.

And as a result, there was no suffering. (Other than my disrupted sleep 😊)

And what you can also see in this example is that you don’t have to think of these math equations as all-encompassing for all that you hold. I don’t have to every single day, in every single moment, resist my pain less or put my expectations aside, to not suffer about my son.

I can also choose in simple moments to harness this math and lower my suffering in smaller instances.

You don’t have to go for the hardest, largest math problem. You can apply it to a moment in time and allow yourself the grace to see what math works for you on a different day.

With all the math I have taken in all of my schooling, it always seemed so exact, so precise, so all or none.

No one ever told me that when and how to use math was my choice!

So anytime you feel like your suffering is too high, take a step back and see if you can tweak the equation just a bit. Play with the numbers and stack them in your favor.

Not only to feel better but because you deserve to not be overwhelmed by the exponential power of suffering.

When it comes to your mental and spiritual health, I never thought I would say it, but math matters.

Let us know how you are might use these equations in your favor in the comments and let’s inspire each other as a collective. (Comments open to all subscribers!)