Tanmeet, thank you so much for this. I have been practicing self-compassion for years now and while I have made improvements, I still have quite a ways to go to reach loving kindness and peace. Todaysʻs medicine was particularly powerful for 2 incredibly special reasons: 1) you shared the story of your husbandʻs struggle with self-compassion, and 2) you framed this in the case where we might have actually messed up.
First, thank you so much to both you and your husband for sharing that moment of vulnerability with us. Imagining his pain and feeling compassion for his unwarranted but understandable guilt (what parent would not take on all the guilt in the world when witnessing even the smallest harm befalling their child? I do not mean to dismiss the wound. It was not small. I feel so much love and compassion in my heart for both of you.) helped me better understand my own guilt and lack of self-compassion. I am not so openly loving and warm to myself as I am to you and your husband, but I understand that I ought to be. Your sharing shined a stark light on my hypocrisy and double standard; the harm I do to myself by withholding compassion in so many instances when I legitimately mess up and cannot forgive myself for it.
Thank you for using this scenario that we rarely discuss--the one where we *are* guilty, but deserve forgiveness and compassion anyway. This is such a difficult case for me to work through and accept, but with your pure honesty and example, I know I can find my way to self-compassion.
Would it be possible for you to post the Loving Kindness meditation you spoke of?
Thank you Tanmeet. How do you always seem to know what is needed at just the right time?
Stephanie, I am so with you. I can be so much more compassionate with others more quickly than with myself! Remember when you are guilty as you say, it's about using self-compassion to accept how hard it is to feel that grief/sadness/frustration. Not about saying you did well but about saying you did what you did AND it is hard to accept THAT. Then giving yourself grace that you are human and part of being human is not always doing everything correctly or well. Here are a couple of links to guided audio meditations with Sharon Salzberg. One is shorter and one much longer. You can make the phrases anything you want. I would love to hear what resonates and what feels hard and then I can help you adjust the meditation as needed.
Thank you! Also timely to me. I really appreciated the 3 part categorisation. Being overwhelmed and stuck in guilt for not doing something differently for myself over is a horrible place - with no real insight or new ideas of how to keep trying. So I really appreciate having some flashlight for that spot, to ponder from you. To basically feel what hurts- find some safety and then see what answers might come.
So glad it helped. Yes, this is the hardest, when we really did do less than we hoped for or even failed and want to do better. But we can have compassion for the disappointment and frustration and that is still so powerful.
Tanmeet, thank you so much for this. I have been practicing self-compassion for years now and while I have made improvements, I still have quite a ways to go to reach loving kindness and peace. Todaysʻs medicine was particularly powerful for 2 incredibly special reasons: 1) you shared the story of your husbandʻs struggle with self-compassion, and 2) you framed this in the case where we might have actually messed up.
First, thank you so much to both you and your husband for sharing that moment of vulnerability with us. Imagining his pain and feeling compassion for his unwarranted but understandable guilt (what parent would not take on all the guilt in the world when witnessing even the smallest harm befalling their child? I do not mean to dismiss the wound. It was not small. I feel so much love and compassion in my heart for both of you.) helped me better understand my own guilt and lack of self-compassion. I am not so openly loving and warm to myself as I am to you and your husband, but I understand that I ought to be. Your sharing shined a stark light on my hypocrisy and double standard; the harm I do to myself by withholding compassion in so many instances when I legitimately mess up and cannot forgive myself for it.
Thank you for using this scenario that we rarely discuss--the one where we *are* guilty, but deserve forgiveness and compassion anyway. This is such a difficult case for me to work through and accept, but with your pure honesty and example, I know I can find my way to self-compassion.
Would it be possible for you to post the Loving Kindness meditation you spoke of?
Thank you Tanmeet. How do you always seem to know what is needed at just the right time?
Me ke aloha,
Stephanie
Stephanie, I am so with you. I can be so much more compassionate with others more quickly than with myself! Remember when you are guilty as you say, it's about using self-compassion to accept how hard it is to feel that grief/sadness/frustration. Not about saying you did well but about saying you did what you did AND it is hard to accept THAT. Then giving yourself grace that you are human and part of being human is not always doing everything correctly or well. Here are a couple of links to guided audio meditations with Sharon Salzberg. One is shorter and one much longer. You can make the phrases anything you want. I would love to hear what resonates and what feels hard and then I can help you adjust the meditation as needed.
https://insighttimer.com/sharonsalzberg/guided-meditations/lovingkindness-meditation
The shorter one
https://mindfulnessexercises.com/downloads/guided-loving-kindness-meditation/
This one looks really long.
Thank you Tanmeet! This message is so timely for our household right now. Appreciate your clarity and breakdown of the science. Safe travels!
Love when things come at the exact right time! Hope it lands well for the entire household.
Thank you! Also timely to me. I really appreciated the 3 part categorisation. Being overwhelmed and stuck in guilt for not doing something differently for myself over is a horrible place - with no real insight or new ideas of how to keep trying. So I really appreciate having some flashlight for that spot, to ponder from you. To basically feel what hurts- find some safety and then see what answers might come.
So glad it helped. Yes, this is the hardest, when we really did do less than we hoped for or even failed and want to do better. But we can have compassion for the disappointment and frustration and that is still so powerful.